How to Build Bridges Through Communication

Whenever I ask people what the key to marriage is, they always say that communication is key. I believe that the way you communicate is much more important than what you communicate. Actions and body language speak louder than words.

During a conversation with a person, we perceive what they are saying from the words spoken, the tone, and the nonverbal cues. 14% of this process comes from the words said. 35% comes from the tone of the person's voice. 51% is received from nonverbal cues. Words don't matter nearly as much as how we say them.

John Gottman has claimed in his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that he can predict with 82% accuracy which marriages will end in divorce. He does this by only observing one conversation between the husband and wife. He sits them down in a room alone and tells them to discuss an ongoing argument. What he found was astonishing.

Gottman stated that the couples that used the "four horsemen" were more likely to get divorced. The first of these four horsemen is criticism. A spouse points out every little thing that their spouse has done wrong. Often times, if the conversation starts poorly, it will end poorly. The second is contempt. This is when one person feels that they have superiority over the other. They feel that they are better and more knowledgeable than their spouse. Third, defensiveness can be damaging. Imagine that the first person that takes a blow to their spouse is holding a spear. The second person would become defensive and hold up a shield. All defensiveness does is make the spear holder try to either stab harder or come at a different angle. The final of the four horsemen is what John Gottman calls stonewalling. This is when someone tunes out. It is easy to block out the words of others when your prefrontal cortex is turned off.

Another way Gottman was able to predict divorce with such high accuracy was to analyze a couple's body language. This included an increased heart rate and blood pressure. When blood pressure rises and steam starts coming out of one's ears, the prefrontal cortex turns off. It does so because when a threat such as a bear comes out of the bushes, you do not need your prefrontal cortex as much as you need your strength. All the blood rushes from your brain and into your ligaments to prepare you to either fight or flight. Knowing this helps us to make sense of why anger makes us so blind. We need to find ways to not open the eyes of others but to open our own eyes.

David Burns has a strong suggestion. He suggests following the five steps of communication. First, disarm your opponent. This is done not by proving how much of an idiot your spouse is, but by finding the truth in what they are saying. There is truth in every nasty speared comment. Second, have empathy and understanding. Put yourself in their shoes. You could show empathy by paraphrasing what they just said and acknowledging their feelings. Next, ask them kind and gentle questions to better understand where they are coming from. Then, give them respect. Even when you are filled with anger, say something that you genuinely admire or appreciate about them. Using these five steps with the purpose of understanding them rather than getting your way will free you. It will free you from the blindness of anger, resentment, and negativity. It allows you to throw down your shield whilst encouraging your partner to put down their spear.

This technique can be extremely useful whenever words from someone's mouth lead us to have negative feelings. It allows us to see the person as God sees them. There is good in all people, but that good can be buried in anger. We must be intentional about HOW we speak to others. Doing so will allow us to build bridges of understanding and love rather than burning them with blinding anger.